My teammates on the United States Disabled Ski Team used to tease me
When I heard I'd need the surgery, I didn't think it would be a big deal. I even told my friends playfully, "I'll keep you abreast of the situation." After all, I had lost my leg to my first go-round with cancer at age 12, then gone on to become a world champion ski racer. All of us on the Disabled Ski Team were missing one set of body parts or another.
I saw that a man in a wheelchair can be utterly sexy. That a woman who has no hands can appear not to be missing anything. That wholeness has nothing to do with missing parts and everything to do with spirit. Yet although I knew this, I was surprised to discover how difficult it was to adjust to my new scars.
When they brought me back to consciousness after the surgery, I started to sob and hyperventilate.
Suddenly I found that I didn't want to face the loss of more of my body. I didn't want chemotherapy again. I didn't want to be brave and tough and put on a perpetual smiling face. I didn't ever want to wake up again. My breathing grew so shaky that the anesthesiologist gave me oxygen and then, thankfully, put me back to sleep.
When I was doing hill sprints to prepare for my ski racing - my heart and lungs and leg muscles all on fire - I'd often be hit by the sensation that there were no resources left inside me with which to keep going.
Then I'd think
After the mastectomies, I knew that one way to get myself going would be to start exercising again, so I headed for the local pool.
In the communal shower, I found myself noticing other women's breasts for the first time in my life. Size-D breasts and size-A breasts, sagging breasts and perky breasts. Suddenly and for the first time, after all these years of missing a leg, I felt acutely self-conscious. I couldn't bring myself to undress.
I decided it was time to confront myself. That night at home, I took off all my clothes and had a long look at the woman in the mirror. She was androgynous.
Take my face - without makeup, it was a cute young boy's face. My shoulder muscles, arms and hands were powerful and muscular from the crutches. I had no breasts; instead, there were two prominent scars on my chest. I had a sexy flat stomach, a bubble butt and a well-developed thigh from years of ski racing. My right leg ended in another long scar just above the knee.
I discovered that I liked my androgynous body.
It fit my personality - my aggressive male side that loves getting dressed in a helmet, arm guards and shin protectors to do battle with the slalom gates, and my gentle female side that longs to have children one day and wants to dress up in a beautiful silk dress, go out to dinner with a lover and then lie back and be slowly undressed by him.
I found that the scars on my chest and my leg were a big deal. They were my marks of life. All of us are scarred by life; it's just that some of those scars show more clearly than others. Our scars do matter. They tell us that we have lived, that we haven't hidden from life. When we see our scars plainly, we can find in them, as I did that day, our own unique beauty.
The next time I went to the pool I showered naked.
相关单词：bout
bout解释：n.侵袭，发作；一次(阵，回)；拳击等比赛
bout例句：
I was suffering with a bout of nerves.我感到一阵紧张。
That bout of pneumonia enfeebled her.那次肺炎的发作使她虚弱了。
相关单词：bilateral
bilateral解释：adj.双方的，两边的，两侧的
bilateral例句：
They have been negotiating a bilateral trade deal.他们一直在商谈一项双边贸易协定。
There was a wide gap between the views of the two statesmen on the bilateral cooperation.对双方合作的问题，两位政治家各自所持的看法差距甚大。
相关单词：abreast
abreast解释：adv.并排地；跟上(时代)的步伐，与…并进地
abreast例句：
She kept abreast with the flood of communications that had poured in.她及时回复如雪片般飞来的大批信件。
We can't keep abreast of the developing situation unless we study harder.我们如果不加强学习，就会跟不上形势。
相关单词：utterly
utterly解释：adv.完全地，绝对地
utterly例句：
Utterly devoted to the people,he gave his life in saving his patients.他忠于人民，把毕生精力用于挽救患者的生命。
I was utterly ravished by the way she smiled.她的微笑使我完全陶醉了。
相关单词：sob
sob解释：n.空间轨道的轰炸机；呜咽，哭泣
sob例句：
The child started to sob when he couldn't find his mother.孩子因找不到他妈妈哭了起来。
The girl didn't answer,but continued to sob with her head on the table.那个女孩不回答，也不抬起头来。她只顾低声哭着。
相关单词：sprints
sprints解释：n.短距离的全速奔跑( sprint的名词复数 )v.短距离疾跑( sprint的第三人称单数 )
sprints例句：
You can run sprints only so long before you're out of breath. 你死命地跑，只能跑那么一段时间，到了喘不上气的时候，只好停下来。 来自辞典例句
The cheetah finds the open grasslands ideal footing for its lightning-quick sprints. 非洲猎豹把开阔的草原作为它们闪电猎食的理想处所。 来自互联网
相关单词：racing
racing解释：n.竞赛，赛马；adj.竞赛用的，赛马用的
racing例句：
I was watching the racing on television last night.昨晚我在电视上看赛马。
The two racing drivers fenced for a chance to gain the lead.两个赛车手伺机竞相领先。
相关单词：tenacity
tenacity解释：n.坚韧
tenacity例句：
Tenacity is the bridge to success.坚韧是通向成功的桥。
The athletes displayed great tenacity throughout the contest.运动员在比赛中表现出坚韧的斗志。
相关单词：communal
communal解释：adj.公有的，公共的，公社的，公社制的
communal例句：
There was a communal toilet on the landing for the four flats.在楼梯平台上有一处公共卫生间供4套公寓使用。
The toilets and other communal facilities were in a shocking state.厕所及其他公共设施的状况极其糟糕。
相关单词：sagging
sagging解释：下垂[沉，陷]，松垂，垂度
sagging例句：
The morale of the enemy troops is continuously sagging. 敌军的士气不断低落。
We are sagging south. 我们的船正离开航线向南漂流。
相关单词：decided
decided解释：adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的
decided例句：
This gave them a decided advantage over their opponents.这使他们比对手具有明显的优势。
There is a decided difference between British and Chinese way of greeting.英国人和中国人打招呼的方式有很明显的区别。
相关单词：makeup
makeup解释：n.组织；性格；化装品
makeup例句：
Those who failed the exam take a makeup exam.这次考试不及格的人必须参加补考。
Do you think her beauty could makeup for her stupidity?你认为她的美丽能弥补她的愚蠢吗？
相关单词：crutches
crutches解释：n.拐杖, 支柱 v.支撑
crutches例句：
After the accident I spent six months on crutches . 事故后我用了六个月的腋杖。
When he broke his leg he had to walk on crutches. 他腿摔断了以后，不得不靠拐杖走路。
相关单词：butt
butt解释：n.笑柄；烟蒂；枪托；臀部；v.用头撞或顶
butt例句：
The water butt catches the overflow from this pipe.大水桶盛接管子里流出的东西。
He was the butt of their jokes.他是他们的笑柄。
相关单词：thigh
thigh解释：n.大腿；股骨
thigh例句：
He is suffering from a strained thigh muscle.他的大腿肌肉拉伤了，疼得很。
The thigh bone is connected to the hip bone.股骨连着髋骨。
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